From Jojo

"I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope 

For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love 

For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith 

But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting. 

Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: 

So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing."

                       -T.S. Eliot, The Four Quartets, "East Coker"

     I read a lot of poetry in my literature class this Fall Semester. I never really read much of it before, but now I've found a new, lyrical method of deep expression.

The good news: it is beautiful.

The bad news: my reading list just expanded by an exponent of five million.

T.S. Eliot especially fascinates me. My Spiritual Theology class finished the semester studying his Four Quartets, and this passage sums up much of my Fall Semester of Sophomore Year.

     Several things come to mind when I think of what I learned this semester.

Emptiness of Self: I had many hopes for this semester. They were all very vague and grand hopes whirling around my boyfriend, my friends, and the now-familiar ways of college. After all, I was a sophomore now! However, the beginning of the semester made it clear that this semester would be well beyond and very different from what I had hoped. Many of my desires had to be let go of, and God showed this to me by several simultaneous events that left me quite in the dark. Coming back to school as a sophomore is an interesting experience in itself. You feel like you are familiar with the ways of the world (or at least the campus) and know what to expect, but so many things are different. New, hard and demanding classes, new freshmen, different friends, friends graduated or transferred. Besides all that, I had to break up with my boyfriend and I was on crutches with a fourth degree sprained foot. Many things had changed, and so I waited, alert to see where God would point me next.

Humility: In the midst of all that waiting, I felt so helpless and in the dark. I’d never been so physically restrained before and God sure used the experience to His advantage. He pointed me towards humility. I was even more awkward than normal with my crutches (Tana fondly called them my ‘swag sticks’). Tripping up and down stairs and all around campus was exhausting and painful. I was forced to ask for help in many, many things. At first I couldn't even make my own bed. Tana did it for me, and she took the top bunk bed, too. There were times when I was overwhelmed at the goodness of my friends, helping me in countless ways, carrying my books, carrying me, carrying my cafeteria tray. God blessed me with such dear and caring friends that even in the dark times I could feel God’s presence through their love.

Gratitude: How could I ever repay such loving deeds? But that is what friends are for: to be a light of God’s love to each other. And this applies to all the time, every day! Sometimes it is only realized when it is direly needed in acts of service. I remain extremely grateful for my friends, and also that God put them in my life. When I felt alone, even from God, He still got through to me in the love of my friends.

Friendships Change: Fondness of friends is all very grand and dear, but sometimes friendships change. With so many changes in my life already, my friendships were the last thing I wanted to undergo change! But God emptied me of that selfish desire, too. I had to keep in mind the goodness of my friend’s heart and what was best for them. In the end, it is best for me, too. I went through a bit of an Anne Shirley phase…. See, my friends and I were having the grandest times, then one of them wanted to change it and be more than friends. I saw it coming and had good friends advise me to its coming, but I had things under control (so I thought). Nothing would change. Just like Anne I would demand that both my friends and I acted the same. But, as much as I love dear Anne, one cannot ignore what is obvious, especially if it is the truth. I had to change. Many things had to change. It does mean my friends and I won’t have fun anymore, but certain things must be different. It was hard and I hated it. It was worse when it frustrated my other friends too, but at the same time, at least we could endure together. Friendships play a great part in creating you into who you are meant to be –mostly especially by challenging you to change. I realize that now, even though I don’t like it.

Peace: “There is yet faith,” Eliot writes, and, basically, that was all I had left. Again I find gratitude to God that I had the foundation of prayer and the assets of my faith to secure me to something in this topsy turvy semester. Even when all these crazy things were happening, I could still find within my soul a peace. It was the peace of Christ, His guiding hand on my life. Even though times it was very faint, it remained a burning Light. I joined a prayer group with the FOCUS missionaries on campus. The missionaries have been a great and joyful source of encouragement! They also help me to continue to look outside myself to pray and reach out to others, continually seek Christ in the world as much as the Sacraments. 

3 a.m. Finals Week

After all these busy things have taken their course, this Christmas break I found a stillness and a sense of preparation. I have grown and learned and gained a better understanding of myself. Now, I look onward.

I survived this semester by the grace of God. I'm glad it's over. I dare say I'm glad it all happened. This Fall Semester has definitely molded me more fully into the woman God created me to be with a greater capacity to face the future. And for that, I rejoice even in stillness. I know there will eventually be dancing!

From Tana

I promised many of you in our annual Christmas letter that the long version of my letter (100, even 250 words, are not enough for this wordy girl!) would be posted on our blog. So, this is what I have to say.

At this time last year I had just finished my first semester of college. My last assignment for my favorite class (Rhetoric) was to create a Revision Portfolio, including revised papers from the semester, one new paper and a reflection paper, which focused on what I had learned from the semester. I realized in putting together my portfolio just how much I loved looking back on things that had happened and how I have grown or changed from them. My family says I have changed every time I come home from school. I never think so, of course, but, looking back at my year as a whole shows me how all of the little lessons and insignificant changes have resulted in immense growth over the past year.

Tana&Jojo at Christmas last year

In a normal end-of-the-year update, I would spend this entire paragraph telling everyone how I finished my freshman year at Belmont Abbey, declared my English major, and am loving sophomore year playing soccer for the Conference Carolinas champions (BAC Crusaders) and working in the Admissions office! Or I would focus on my end-of-semester literary road trip of the century to Andalusia, our family vacation to London in the summer where I flipped out over Olympic preparations and then coming home to lifeguard all summer. Or how I potentially set my future career as a Children’s librarian in motion by staffing Camp Read-a-Rama with the Augusta Baker Chair of Children’s Literacy at USC, who is now my friend on Skype. I would mention that I still play flute as part of a small woodwind ensemble at BAC.

But, what I would really rather tell you is: The Heart of Christ is Intensely Beautiful.

Just think about it for a minute. It blows my mind.

On our first day back this January, Dr. Miss had everyone in our Rhetoric class choose a motto for the year. It could be a quote, or something we created ourselves. Mine was “I may not like you, but I love you, which sometimes makes things curiouser and curiouser.” While I was pondering this, instead of making a New Year’s resolution, I was praying “Come, Lord Jesus, bring me nearer to your Heart.” As the year went on my prayer changed to “God, make salvation real to me. Help me recognize the beauty and significance of grace.”

Let me tell you folks. He has. God has answered my prayers in too many ways to count and it has been a crazy, intense journey. I have been filled with laughter and anger, tears and joy. I have learned that sometimes it hurts to love. That I am capable of not liking someone in the least while loving her (or him) fiercely. I have learned to love people I do not even know. I am still blessed to be part of the Imagine magazine staff as an editor. I love the time I spend reading, pondering and editing devotions—by girls I have never met, for girls I have never met.

I have learned that, as a freshman, you think you know everything, but sophomore year reminds you of how much there is to learn. I have discovered the beauty and worth of a liberal arts education and its idealism, while also recognizing that it has its shortcomings. I am learning that I can’t do it all, have it all, or be friends with everyone. I am still working on how to say, “no.” I had to loosen my desperate hold of perfection and take God’s hand instead.

It brings me so much joy to tell you that this semester I have built lasing and meaningful relationships not only with my friends and fellow students, but with faculty and staff at my college. That I am as close with my coaches and my advisor as I am with my family. That, even though we are small, my Bible Study (filled with only girls from the soccer team) is one of the highlights of my week. That a few of my giving, flexible and Christ-centered friends have formed the core of a group that meets weekly for Christian fellowship and prayer. We meet in the dorm room that is the cleanest, usually on the floor. We eat whatever food we can scrounge up, anything from full-blown feasts to just tea and nutella. But we talk, pray and call ourselves the Protestant Club (we love our Catholic friends, but we like to stick together too!). And, even though my heart broke when St. Paul’s (the church I attended for the entire spring semester) folded over the summer, Jesus pieced it back together with hands full of kindness and love. He provided an intimate, passionate group of believers at St. Patrick’s Anglican Mission in Charlotte to worship with. Now I love them dearly too.

So, yes, I have changed. I changed this year by recognizing that I will never realize how incredible grace and mercy are and how freely Jesus gives both to us. I grew this year because, if you ask God for something, be prepared to get it. I learned this year, more than ever, that I am a sinful, broken person who will never be able to fully comprehend the nature of God or how intimately and passionately he pursues our hearts. That I am a person who makes countless mistakes and has hurt too many people, but that somehow, through God’s provision, two incredible women whom I have never met chose some things that I said in an email interview to include in their new devotional book, “Becoming God’s True Woman…While I Still Have a Curfew.” I was shown that the heart of Christ is intensely beautiful.

Christmas this year :)

I will never realize how blessed I am. I will never fully get over my first-world problems. But, I am learning, and growing, and changing.

Our first update in a long time...

I know we promised to update over the summer, but with work and vacation (for Tana) and Totus Tuus (for Jojo) you can see that didn’t happen! And, well, we had grand plans for updating y’all on our Sophomore year too…but it’s kind of been keeping us on our toes ever since August, so that didn’t happen either. So, what you get is us, now, at Christmastime. First semester of Sophomore year is over (thank goodness!) and grades are in (praise Jesus!)—we survived. With four English classes (for Tana) and the (in)famous Churchill class (for Jojo) now behind us, we are sleeping a lot, eating good food and, of course, spending time with our families, and dogs. :)

Please stay tuned for further updates from one or the both of us.

~Tana and Jojo

Summertime

Guess what people--it's summertime! At least, for those of us that go to Belmont Abbey College and finished all of our exams last week! A better update is to come, but for now, it's been one crazy awesome year! 0 weeks down, 13 to go, and we're back in action as Sophomores...can you believe it?