How v. Who

At the beginning of this semester I joined an graduate intramural soccer team.

I didn't realize how much I was going to miss playing until it had been nearly 9 months and I still hadn't laced up my cleats. So even though I hadn't run in 10 weeks and didn't know anyone on the team and had been telling everyone for months I was old and retired on to better things now, I pitched in my $10 and went to my first practice. We played and I had great fun but man, was. I. tired. Wore out. And my passes were, well, not so great is probably a generous way to put it. But, when I showed up to our game a few days later, I had the following conversation, which has been on my mind ever since.

Teammate: "Oh, good! You're here! We were worried you might only be able to make it for the second half!"

Me: "Please. I am old and fat and retired. We'll be lucky if I can play an entire half anyway."

Teammate: "Ohmygosh. I was just telling them [other teammates standing near us] you were going to say that. But it's so not true. You might feel that way, but you're really good."

I mumbled some sort of deflection and thanks that was probably considered humility but really resonated with doubt.

I simply didn't believe her. Or any one of my other teammates that attested to my skill (which, for the record, was basically every single one of them). I wouldn't. I basically had this stamp on my brain saying not fit, not young, not playing and no matter what anyone said I didn't even try to erase it.

What I didn't realize is that I basically had this stamp on my brain saying not enough and I wasn't trying to erase it. I had this not enough stamping everything I did, everything I thought, everything I felt. Every. single. thing. I never felt enough.

Then again, it's not really about feeling, is it? If I did everything based on how I felt, I wouldn't go to work nearly as much or invest nearly as much time in the people I love. I probably wouldn't be in grad school anymore. But.

Listen to me: how you feel is not who you are.

I'll say it one more time. Listen closely. How you feel is not who you are.

Who you are is absolutely never determined by how you feel. The reality of your worthiness and dignity is 100% never dependent on whether or not you feel worthy or dignified.

Madame de Stael once closed a letter with the following:
"Beyond all doubt, if you are not as happy as it is possible to be, you are more beloved than anyone who has ever lived."

Because we will always have doubt. We may not always feel happy. We will always have a feeling of not enough stamping our thoughts and actions. The challenge is to think differently. The challenge is to change the how to a who. (But here's a clue -- just rearrange the letters!)

Because the truth is that the not enough stamp can be erased. The stamp of Christ removes any mark of not enough and replaces it with

Beloved.
Beautiful.
Worthy.
Dignified.
Significant.
Talented.
Smart.
Blessing.
Cherished.
Mine.

And so. many. more.

Sometimes we feel the not enough stamp comes creeping back and putting its sticky ink all over again.

So I'll change what my teammate said a little and say this instead: you may feel that way, but you are Beloved by God.

Because how we feel matters absolutely 0% when it comes to the truth of who we are. Beloved.