June/July Update

Hey, remember when I said, “I’ll be back in June?” My blissful, full of end-of-school-May me was apparently really confident about that too, as one would gather from the accompanying smiley face. And then I completely forgot that June was ending until it was over and decided I would just combine the months... and now here it is on July 31^st at 9p and I just thought to myself, “SHOOT I HAVE TO BLOG RIGHT NOW.” So here I am. I have very little to report, except that my shiny end-of-school-May self also thought she was going to have plenty of time to read all the books and then this smart cookie decided that doing summer school would be boring and she should just get two part time jobs instead. Oh, and then I moved.

Since June 1^st, I have read three books: Things Fall Apart, The Violent Bear It Away and Don’t Worry, It Gets Worse. These were all depressing. The first two in a good, thought-provoking way, and the last in a this-was-supposed-to-be-relatable-but-you-make-terrible-life-choices type of way.

I have also listened to four audiobooks: Still Alice, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?, Carol and Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Still Alice was lovely (and depressing – anyone else notice a theme??). Mindy Kaling’s was hilarious, as expected. The last two were re-reads – can you call it that if you read it the first time and listened to it the second? It’s definitely quite a different experience, I think. As in, I noticed more in Carol this time, since I read really fast and the audiobook forces me to go slower. And, even though I’ve seen all the HP movies, it was still surprising to hear all of the narration and dialogue in British accents…

Part of me is a little disappointed in my summer progress. I gave up on reading more than 100 pages in Love in the Time of Cholera, and haven’t even tried to listen to an audiobook in at least a week. But mostly I’m trying to remember process over progress, and to enjoy the moments I do snatch away to get a few pages in. And I’m happy to have spent time doing other things, like catching up on all of the back issue of Christianity Today that I didn’t read all spring because I was reading YA, and doing crossword puzzles for the first time in a year.

And, I do think I am making slow but steady headway in Thomas Merton’s Seven Storey Mountain, which has been on my list for a few years now, and The Voyage Out, which I downloaded on my phone because I miss reading Woolf. The good news is that I am enjoying both of these works quite a bit, just as I am enjoying the extra work I picked up.

And there’s still some summer left – not enough to re-read all of Harry Potter (seriously, did I think I was miracle woman?) – but I may be able to knock out a few more titles on my list.

We shall see. 

At first I thought my reading for May was terrible. This is an actual conversation I had two days ago.

Me: “Ohmygosh, I have barely read any books this month. I have literally barely been reading at all.”

Sister: “Really?”

Me: *flips through book log* “Okay I have actually read more than 2 ½ books a week this month.”

So maybe it’s not so bad. I wish I could say I read fewer books this month because they were in some way more difficult or challenging or lengthy than the YA I’ve been gulping down for the last three months, but they really haven’t. All I can say is that school is out and I have watched more than my fair share of Netflix, and also spent much more time with friends throughout the month of May than I have in a very long time. I may have socialized more in May than I did January-April. I don’t regret it a single bit, but my little introverted self is going to need some time to recover…

It’s honestly really hard to choose a Top Pick for this month – I’m keeping track of all the books I read this year in a notebook, with author, title, brief summary and my initial thoughts, complete with a rating from one to five. I realized this month that this system is definitely flawed, as my thoughts immediately after finishing a book greatly impact the rating, and then I think about the book for awhile, go back and say “What? Only a 3? But it’s so good!” or “I gave that a 3.5? It certainly wasn’t as good as” … you get the picture.

For instance, my first thought for Top Pick was Becoming Maria; Sonia Manzano’s memoir of her childhood in the Bronx, leading up to her audition for the life-changing role of Maria on Sesame Street. It has made me think so much, about poverty, education, opportunity, racism, reading, domestic violence, family dynamics, and more. It’s a hard book to read. The more time I have to reflect on it, the more crushing her childhood reality becomes. Look back at the rating – 3.5, even with the simple-but-popular thriller The Girl on the Train, and a full half-point behind Mindy Kaling’s Why Not Me? Which I presumably gave a better score because I thought it was really funny. But honestly, I’d recommend all three of the books listed above, depending on the reader and what genre (s)he likes. I also feel compelled to mention Bird by Bird, by Anne Lamott – which I got from the library but now plan to purchase – and If You Come Softly, which may be the last Woodson title I read for awhile. And there you have it – practically half of the 11 books I read this month…which isn’t actually that much fewer than some other months, and is two more than in January!

I’d like to say that this has inspired me to come up with a more well-rounded rating system, with a more accurate algorithm for deciding (and remembering) how good a book is, but it hasn’t.

I mean, I’m sure you’ll find this shocking, but: reading isn’t a numbers game. No matter how many books I read, or how good I thought they were, there will always be more books that I want to read, and people who disagree with me on quality. It keeps things interesting, and keeps me reading. I’ll be back in June. :)

Y’all, April is the cruelest month. Eliot said it, not me, so don’t shoot the messenger. The month started out super awesome, with me traveling to USM for the Kaigler Children’s Book Festival, but real talk: I kind of don’t know what I’m doing at this point in the semester/year. According to my log, I read 16 books this month, but since I quit reading on April 25, that means I read 4-point-something books a week, and since one of those weeks I was in Mississippi, I wasn’t really reading. And I’m not magic. But they’re written down for April so I’m going with it. Mostly, I’m just glad to be done reading for my YA book log! It is officially turned in and finished and I am happy to report that I survived the reading of 46 Young Adult novels.

Top Pick(s): Well, this month I went kind of Jacqueline Woodson crazy. She was the Southern Miss Medallion winner, and since I loved Brown Girl Dreaming so much (Feb? March?), I felt the need to prepare to be a festival ambassador by reading as many of her other books as possible. So: Behind You; Locomotion; Peace, Locomotion; Feathers; After Tupac and D Foster; and Beneath a Meth Moon. They are all 100% worth your time. If I had to choose just one though, it would be Feathers. Absolute Fave.

Y’all I love every single word this woman says and writes.

Despite Jacqueline's limited time frame for being at the festival, we were still able to get a picture!

Surprising Books: I was pleasantly surprised by Holly Gold Sloan’s Counting by 7s, and surprisingly disappointed by Neil Gaiman’s The Graveyard Book. I felt like a sham librarian not having read any Gaiman, and while it was good, I didn’t think it lived up to the hype.

I did try to diversify my reading in terms of genre this month, hitting up some poetry (Enchanted Air), mystery/suspense (The Boy in the Burning House), and even some short stories (Athletic Shorts). I also read an absolutely terrible book called I Know What You Did Last Summer, which upset The Chocolate War as worst book I have read this year. If you want a poorly updated story about generic, WASP Americana with flat characters, pointless conversations, a predictable plot and characterizations of women based solely on their looks, then this book is for you! For anyone who swears at audiobooks that try to build suspense by having a character locked in a bathroom, unable do anything because she’s surrounded only by “flimsy feminine products,” (because men’s shampoo is definitely sturdier than women’s…), then this book may hinder your ability to drive in traffic.

I will say that my opinion has swayed slightly from absolute hatred to general dislike but tolerance of books for Young Adults, though I have realized that I am a general fan of middle-grade fiction, with an intense drop-off for older YA lit. Most of the books I enjoyed were geared towards slightly younger audiences. And I am definitely ready to dive back into my personal reading list – which is already about 15-20 books long for summer! We’ll see how much progress I make next month…

March Madness, Book Edition

So while everyone else is watching their brackets, I’m still reading away!

I am happy to have even more books this month than either of the previous, but am not sure it really counts, since March is longer than February and I actually didn’t finish one of the books I put in my log, so maybe March and February are tied at 15 each. I read even more graphic novels this month, and ventured slightly more into nonfiction as well! Hopefully more nonfiction is to come, as I’ve chosen to focus on Biographies for my Young Adult Lit class’s Special Project.

So, Top Pick: Probably The Invention of Hugo Cabret. Hugo is actually just absolutely lovely and everyone should read it. It combines books and clocks and movies in a way quite unexpected and beautiful. It’s a weird crossover between novel and graphic novel, which makes it almost like a silent movie (which, no spoilers, is really cool given the content). It’s a quick read, and I definitely stayed up late two nights after work to knock it out! One of these days I will get around to watching the movie as well…

Worthwhile reads: Amelia Lost and Let Me Play: The Story of Title IX. These are both nonfiction titles for middle grades that I really enjoyed. Amelia Earhart is downright inspiring (if bullheaded and – at times – a bit foolish) and this book does a good job of highlighting her pioneering bravery without idolizing her. Let Me Play resonated with me personally, as both a high school and collegiate athlete, and an advocate for women’s education. Most people don’t realize how recent of a development Title IX is, or even what it is. I learned a great deal about the amount of effort and fighting it took by the women in Congress to even get this amendment to the Equal Rights Amendment considered in the 1970’s, and the amount of fighting they’ve had to do to keep it there! So, for all the women doctors, lawyers, and athletes you see: thank Title IX. The women of today are able to do so much more than those even one or two generations before us.

Other memorable books this month: The Price of Salt, which I read after seeing CAROL – I’m still comparing them, so if you have thoughts, please send them my way! I hit up some more graphic novels: Long Walk to Valhalla, which I quite enjoyed, Stitches (thanks April, for the suggestion!), and Persepolis, a graphic memoir of the Islamic Revolution in Iran. I struggled to get through fantasy title Daughter of Smoke and Bone, and found both Bone Gap and Going Bovine a little wacky for my taste. But, I am happy to have read 32 of the necessary 50 for one of my classes, and am already making a list for summer, when I’m back to free choice!

New Year, New Books: Talking Titles and Top Picks (with Tana!)

Okay, so for Christmas my mom got me this book So Many Books, So Little Time: A Year of Passionate Reading, in which the author Sara Nelson chronicles her life and choice of books for one year, with notable intersections. I’ve been wanting to keep track of the all the books I read for awhile now, and, as I also got a notebook, 2016 seemed the perfect opportunity. The original plan was to do a monthly update of my books, with highs and lows and recommendations, but then I looked up one day and it was February 10 so: oops.

Anyway, since January 1^st, I have read 24 books: 9 in January, 15 in February.*

Some books I loved. Most I thought were fine; I only really hated one. They crossed genres from memoir to historical fiction to poetry to graphic novel and a few things in between. Please, read on if you care to know what happened to strike my fancy. And if they sound interesting, head over to your nearby bookstore or local library and read them for yourself!

Top Picks, January: Room by Emma Donoghue and Yes,Please by Amy Poehler. I got Room after seeing the movie and WOW. Both were quite mind-blowing. Having Jack, the 5 year old son, narrate is quite striking. And, well, Amy is hilarious and as such so is her book. Jojo got it for me for Christmas and it has the highest star count in my notebook so far. I actually had to put the book down so that I could stop laughing and catch my breath before continuing. I cried actual tears of laughter. But it also poignant and true and heartfelt and I stayed up until 4 am reading it because I couldn’t put it down.

Top Picks, February: Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson and Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson. Speak is a lovely YA novel (and that is a major compliment, coming from me) about a freshman named Melinda who has something very important to say but can’t say it. I read it in a day and would recommend it to anyone, especially women, especially in middle and high school. I listened to Brown Girl Dreaming on audio and having Jacqueline Woodson read her own verse, her own story to me was just one of the most moving experiences. It made me hungry for cornbread, for love, for justice and for dreams come true.

Biggest Surprise? Annie on my Mind. I had to read it for class and I think it’s only the second or third book I’ve read with an LGBTQ character (or in this case, characters) as the protagonist(s). It’s a lovely portrayal of character and the transition and confusion of Senior year.

I also feel obliged to mention titles like Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari, which I enjoyed quite and bit and promptly followed by watching his Netflix original series Master of None. Or Fantastic Mr. Fox and The Magic Finger by Roald Dahl, which I never read as a child, but read at work with the kids. I read my first-ever graphic novels and did not hate them, so that is something, I suppose. Also if any of you have thoughts on Fun Home, please send them my way.

That’s all this opinionated reader has to say for now! If you’d like a complete list of books thus far, or more detailed thoughts on a particular title, please let me know! Talking about books is actually my favorite thing to do. :)

*Please note: I am not a reading machine. I have a half-hour commute each way and listened to many on audio. I’m in a Young Adult Lit class this semester which requires a lot of reading, and many titles could be completed in a day, especially if I read some at work. And graphic novels are super-duper quick. 

My [Extra]Ordinary Year

I absolutely cannot believe that 2015 is coming to an end. This is the time of year when everyone likes to talk about what’s coming next and New Year’s Resolutions and grand plans and whatnot.

Last year I decided not to do that. I’m not entirely sure where I first came across the idea, but I chose to do something along the lines of the My One Word project in lieu of a New Year’s Resolution. Basically, pick a word and feel its influence in all areas of your life. Be intentional. See where it goes.

I knew 2015 was going to be different and hard and stretching and I didn’t want to add anything on top of that. Otherwise this post would probably look something like this:

(I mean I did move to Texas)

So I picked Challenge. Mostly because I knew my year would be a challenge – just living it. Writing the bulk of my thesis in the spring semester, in addition to 16 hours of coursework, an internship, work and volunteer coaching? Throw in spending time with friends and getting enough sleep while maintaining an honors GPA and I had my first challenge looming large for the next five months. I worked hard. I adjusted to not playing soccer anymore and losing one of my best friends by putting in late nights writing and booking myself busy, often gone from my apartment from 7:30 in the morning until 9 at night. I used challenge to keep me focused and motivated, and it worked.

March brought news of my acceptance into the MSIS program at the University of Texas iSchool. With initial plans to defer enrollment for a year while staying in Charlotte with the people I love, I was only somewhat excited. After finding out deferment wasn’t an option, choosing to enroll for this fall was a challenge: the hard, but right, decision. In April I completed and presented my thesis, An Examination of Knowledge, Unity and Art in Virginia Woolf’s To the Lighthouse, the paper of which I am more proud than anything else I’ve ever written. May brought finals, packing, Senior Week and, of course, graduation. I was blessed to have so many family and friends come for graduation, especially as I was honored as Student of the Year and given the opportunity to address my class during the ceremony.

Then I had to leave. I cried. I cried during finals. I cried when I wrote my speech. I cried during Senior Week. I cried when I was packing. The only day I think I didn’t cry was graduation! Leaving The Abbey was hands-down one of the most challenging things I have ever done in my life.

Then I spent June and July in Greenwich, NY, interning with Episcopalian nuns: practicing the Benedictine way of life and spending an absurd amount of time with goats. I thought I understood Benedictine life. I mean seriously, I went to a Benedictine school. I knew it would be different and challenging in its own right, but I kinda thought I had this one. It turns out my understanding of the Benedictine life looked kind of like this: 

(which, apparently, is not an entirely holistic view of things)

So waking up for 6:30a prayers, silence after 7:30p, going vegetarian two days a week plus trying to practice actual Benedictine balance, in addition to trying to enroll in classes, find roommates and get a job all while being half a country away turned out to be more challenging than I thought. I missed my family and I missed my friends and I missed my comfortable community back in North Carolina. But, I learned so much about being over doing and about the foundations of community and the importance of rest. Plus, we squeezed in a quick trip to Maine the first weekend in August before I left for Texas, which I loved with my whole heart.

In September I started my life in Austin: taking classes at the iSchool, moving in with my new roommates, working as a nanny and getting a library card. The kids were crazy and my classes were pretty terrible. I suffered from sickness and allergies and reactions to medication. I raged against becoming a grown-up and its associated responsibilities. I cried and almost crumpled under the challenge of starting something new. I missed my family and I missed my friends and I missed my comfortable community. But, slowly, things started to improve. October blessed me with budding friendships and a beautiful worship community at an Anglican church plant in south Austin. November reminded me to be thankful amidst the busy-ness of life and to embrace the Sacred Ordinary Days that we live.

And now here I am. My year of challenge is over and honestly, I am relieved. There have been so many times I asked God “WHY DID I PICK CHALLENGE?!” and cried out, “I JUST WANT ONE THING TO BE EASY!” There were times I was run too ragged by my own life that I failed to feel sympathy for tragedies outside of my immediate circles, and I felt a little guilty about that.

But these big, hard, challenges can’t dominate the picture of my year. They drove it, yes, but they also drove me to Christ. More than anything this year I have been forced to be present. I have been so swept up in whatever challenge lay ahead that I have had little time to dwell on the past or look to the future. Instead, I have lived in what Virginia Woolf calls ‘the cotton wool of daily life,’ living the process rather than focusing on the product. I realized that St. Benedict saw the nitty-gritty ordinary life and called it holy. I ditched my fancy, expensive, color-coded day-week-month planner for some random calendar from Wal-Mart in the Spring and absolutely nothing for the rest of the year. There were days I told my mom that I had no idea what I would be doing in three days. I made plans spur-of-the-moment. I tried to live with my “people always come first” mantra more intentionally. I journaled. All the time. And I read. More than I wrote.

I’ve been trying to appreciate the moment. Every shared meal. Every late night conversation. Every walk. Every book. Every bit of unexpected silence. Every rainbow. Every extra few minutes of sleep. Every smile from a child. Each and every cuddle (goat or human!).

These are ordinary things. These are the simple, everyday happenings that allow for the extraordinary and make up a life. Going to work is ordinary. But today I read The Witches with the 8 year old and the 6 year old for two hours and at dinner they both said that was their favorite part today. And that – that is extraordinary.

I still don’t understand balance. But I am thankful that the Benedictine way of life is something we practice, not master. I am thankful for the weeks I can go to weekday Eucharist and take time to read for fun. I still don’t appreciate every beautiful moment. But I am thankful that I can see small things as sacred and substantive.

My days now are messy, challenging and ordinary. I feed my fish, go to work, run errands, do some schoolwork and try to spend time with family and friends. Sometimes I feel like I make decisions based on this logic:

But these messy days are what really dominate the picture of my year. Countless hours spent in professors’ offices, on friends’ couches, around the kitchen table. Thousands of conversations in person, over phone, text or video chat. Stories shared. Meals cooked (or at least in some way prepared, even if it’s just opening packages). Days filled with love. Love that is always radical, always extraordinary and always worth the price.

The big challenges are definitely what I envisioned this time last year.

But the true challenge was stepping into this ordinary, extraordinary, life of mine.

I can’t wait to do it again in 2016.

Cheers,

Tana

How v. Who

At the beginning of this semester I joined an graduate intramural soccer team.

I didn't realize how much I was going to miss playing until it had been nearly 9 months and I still hadn't laced up my cleats. So even though I hadn't run in 10 weeks and didn't know anyone on the team and had been telling everyone for months I was old and retired on to better things now, I pitched in my $10 and went to my first practice. We played and I had great fun but man, was. I. tired. Wore out. And my passes were, well, not so great is probably a generous way to put it. But, when I showed up to our game a few days later, I had the following conversation, which has been on my mind ever since.

Teammate: "Oh, good! You're here! We were worried you might only be able to make it for the second half!"

Me: "Please. I am old and fat and retired. We'll be lucky if I can play an entire half anyway."

Teammate: "Ohmygosh. I was just telling them [other teammates standing near us] you were going to say that. But it's so not true. You might feel that way, but you're really good."

I mumbled some sort of deflection and thanks that was probably considered humility but really resonated with doubt.

I simply didn't believe her. Or any one of my other teammates that attested to my skill (which, for the record, was basically every single one of them). I wouldn't. I basically had this stamp on my brain saying not fit, not young, not playing and no matter what anyone said I didn't even try to erase it.

What I didn't realize is that I basically had this stamp on my brain saying not enough and I wasn't trying to erase it. I had this not enough stamping everything I did, everything I thought, everything I felt. Every. single. thing. I never felt enough.

Then again, it's not really about feeling, is it? If I did everything based on how I felt, I wouldn't go to work nearly as much or invest nearly as much time in the people I love. I probably wouldn't be in grad school anymore. But.

Listen to me: how you feel is not who you are.

I'll say it one more time. Listen closely. How you feel is not who you are.

Who you are is absolutely never determined by how you feel. The reality of your worthiness and dignity is 100% never dependent on whether or not you feel worthy or dignified.

Madame de Stael once closed a letter with the following:
"Beyond all doubt, if you are not as happy as it is possible to be, you are more beloved than anyone who has ever lived."

Because we will always have doubt. We may not always feel happy. We will always have a feeling of not enough stamping our thoughts and actions. The challenge is to think differently. The challenge is to change the how to a who. (But here's a clue -- just rearrange the letters!)

Because the truth is that the not enough stamp can be erased. The stamp of Christ removes any mark of not enough and replaces it with

Beloved.
Beautiful.
Worthy.
Dignified.
Significant.
Talented.
Smart.
Blessing.
Cherished.
Mine.

And so. many. more.

Sometimes we feel the not enough stamp comes creeping back and putting its sticky ink all over again.

So I'll change what my teammate said a little and say this instead: you may feel that way, but you are Beloved by God.

Because how we feel matters absolutely 0% when it comes to the truth of who we are. Beloved.