My [Extra]Ordinary Year

I absolutely cannot believe that 2015 is coming to an end. This is the time of year when everyone likes to talk about what’s coming next and New Year’s Resolutions and grand plans and whatnot.

Last year I decided not to do that. I’m not entirely sure where I first came across the idea, but I chose to do something along the lines of the My One Word project in lieu of a New Year’s Resolution. Basically, pick a word and feel its influence in all areas of your life. Be intentional. See where it goes.

I knew 2015 was going to be different and hard and stretching and I didn’t want to add anything on top of that. Otherwise this post would probably look something like this:

(I mean I did move to Texas)

So I picked Challenge. Mostly because I knew my year would be a challenge – just living it. Writing the bulk of my thesis in the spring semester, in addition to 16 hours of coursework, an internship, work and volunteer coaching? Throw in spending time with friends and getting enough sleep while maintaining an honors GPA and I had my first challenge looming large for the next five months. I worked hard. I adjusted to not playing soccer anymore and losing one of my best friends by putting in late nights writing and booking myself busy, often gone from my apartment from 7:30 in the morning until 9 at night. I used challenge to keep me focused and motivated, and it worked.

March brought news of my acceptance into the MSIS program at the University of Texas iSchool. With initial plans to defer enrollment for a year while staying in Charlotte with the people I love, I was only somewhat excited. After finding out deferment wasn’t an option, choosing to enroll for this fall was a challenge: the hard, but right, decision. In April I completed and presented my thesis, An Examination of Knowledge, Unity and Art in Virginia Woolf’s To the Lighthouse, the paper of which I am more proud than anything else I’ve ever written. May brought finals, packing, Senior Week and, of course, graduation. I was blessed to have so many family and friends come for graduation, especially as I was honored as Student of the Year and given the opportunity to address my class during the ceremony.

Then I had to leave. I cried. I cried during finals. I cried when I wrote my speech. I cried during Senior Week. I cried when I was packing. The only day I think I didn’t cry was graduation! Leaving The Abbey was hands-down one of the most challenging things I have ever done in my life.

Then I spent June and July in Greenwich, NY, interning with Episcopalian nuns: practicing the Benedictine way of life and spending an absurd amount of time with goats. I thought I understood Benedictine life. I mean seriously, I went to a Benedictine school. I knew it would be different and challenging in its own right, but I kinda thought I had this one. It turns out my understanding of the Benedictine life looked kind of like this: 

(which, apparently, is not an entirely holistic view of things)

So waking up for 6:30a prayers, silence after 7:30p, going vegetarian two days a week plus trying to practice actual Benedictine balance, in addition to trying to enroll in classes, find roommates and get a job all while being half a country away turned out to be more challenging than I thought. I missed my family and I missed my friends and I missed my comfortable community back in North Carolina. But, I learned so much about being over doing and about the foundations of community and the importance of rest. Plus, we squeezed in a quick trip to Maine the first weekend in August before I left for Texas, which I loved with my whole heart.

In September I started my life in Austin: taking classes at the iSchool, moving in with my new roommates, working as a nanny and getting a library card. The kids were crazy and my classes were pretty terrible. I suffered from sickness and allergies and reactions to medication. I raged against becoming a grown-up and its associated responsibilities. I cried and almost crumpled under the challenge of starting something new. I missed my family and I missed my friends and I missed my comfortable community. But, slowly, things started to improve. October blessed me with budding friendships and a beautiful worship community at an Anglican church plant in south Austin. November reminded me to be thankful amidst the busy-ness of life and to embrace the Sacred Ordinary Days that we live.

And now here I am. My year of challenge is over and honestly, I am relieved. There have been so many times I asked God “WHY DID I PICK CHALLENGE?!” and cried out, “I JUST WANT ONE THING TO BE EASY!” There were times I was run too ragged by my own life that I failed to feel sympathy for tragedies outside of my immediate circles, and I felt a little guilty about that.

But these big, hard, challenges can’t dominate the picture of my year. They drove it, yes, but they also drove me to Christ. More than anything this year I have been forced to be present. I have been so swept up in whatever challenge lay ahead that I have had little time to dwell on the past or look to the future. Instead, I have lived in what Virginia Woolf calls ‘the cotton wool of daily life,’ living the process rather than focusing on the product. I realized that St. Benedict saw the nitty-gritty ordinary life and called it holy. I ditched my fancy, expensive, color-coded day-week-month planner for some random calendar from Wal-Mart in the Spring and absolutely nothing for the rest of the year. There were days I told my mom that I had no idea what I would be doing in three days. I made plans spur-of-the-moment. I tried to live with my “people always come first” mantra more intentionally. I journaled. All the time. And I read. More than I wrote.

I’ve been trying to appreciate the moment. Every shared meal. Every late night conversation. Every walk. Every book. Every bit of unexpected silence. Every rainbow. Every extra few minutes of sleep. Every smile from a child. Each and every cuddle (goat or human!).

These are ordinary things. These are the simple, everyday happenings that allow for the extraordinary and make up a life. Going to work is ordinary. But today I read The Witches with the 8 year old and the 6 year old for two hours and at dinner they both said that was their favorite part today. And that – that is extraordinary.

I still don’t understand balance. But I am thankful that the Benedictine way of life is something we practice, not master. I am thankful for the weeks I can go to weekday Eucharist and take time to read for fun. I still don’t appreciate every beautiful moment. But I am thankful that I can see small things as sacred and substantive.

My days now are messy, challenging and ordinary. I feed my fish, go to work, run errands, do some schoolwork and try to spend time with family and friends. Sometimes I feel like I make decisions based on this logic:

But these messy days are what really dominate the picture of my year. Countless hours spent in professors’ offices, on friends’ couches, around the kitchen table. Thousands of conversations in person, over phone, text or video chat. Stories shared. Meals cooked (or at least in some way prepared, even if it’s just opening packages). Days filled with love. Love that is always radical, always extraordinary and always worth the price.

The big challenges are definitely what I envisioned this time last year.

But the true challenge was stepping into this ordinary, extraordinary, life of mine.

I can’t wait to do it again in 2016.

Cheers,

Tana

How v. Who

At the beginning of this semester I joined an graduate intramural soccer team.

I didn't realize how much I was going to miss playing until it had been nearly 9 months and I still hadn't laced up my cleats. So even though I hadn't run in 10 weeks and didn't know anyone on the team and had been telling everyone for months I was old and retired on to better things now, I pitched in my $10 and went to my first practice. We played and I had great fun but man, was. I. tired. Wore out. And my passes were, well, not so great is probably a generous way to put it. But, when I showed up to our game a few days later, I had the following conversation, which has been on my mind ever since.

Teammate: "Oh, good! You're here! We were worried you might only be able to make it for the second half!"

Me: "Please. I am old and fat and retired. We'll be lucky if I can play an entire half anyway."

Teammate: "Ohmygosh. I was just telling them [other teammates standing near us] you were going to say that. But it's so not true. You might feel that way, but you're really good."

I mumbled some sort of deflection and thanks that was probably considered humility but really resonated with doubt.

I simply didn't believe her. Or any one of my other teammates that attested to my skill (which, for the record, was basically every single one of them). I wouldn't. I basically had this stamp on my brain saying not fit, not young, not playing and no matter what anyone said I didn't even try to erase it.

What I didn't realize is that I basically had this stamp on my brain saying not enough and I wasn't trying to erase it. I had this not enough stamping everything I did, everything I thought, everything I felt. Every. single. thing. I never felt enough.

Then again, it's not really about feeling, is it? If I did everything based on how I felt, I wouldn't go to work nearly as much or invest nearly as much time in the people I love. I probably wouldn't be in grad school anymore. But.

Listen to me: how you feel is not who you are.

I'll say it one more time. Listen closely. How you feel is not who you are.

Who you are is absolutely never determined by how you feel. The reality of your worthiness and dignity is 100% never dependent on whether or not you feel worthy or dignified.

Madame de Stael once closed a letter with the following:
"Beyond all doubt, if you are not as happy as it is possible to be, you are more beloved than anyone who has ever lived."

Because we will always have doubt. We may not always feel happy. We will always have a feeling of not enough stamping our thoughts and actions. The challenge is to think differently. The challenge is to change the how to a who. (But here's a clue -- just rearrange the letters!)

Because the truth is that the not enough stamp can be erased. The stamp of Christ removes any mark of not enough and replaces it with

Beloved.
Beautiful.
Worthy.
Dignified.
Significant.
Talented.
Smart.
Blessing.
Cherished.
Mine.

And so. many. more.

Sometimes we feel the not enough stamp comes creeping back and putting its sticky ink all over again.

So I'll change what my teammate said a little and say this instead: you may feel that way, but you are Beloved by God.

Because how we feel matters absolutely 0% when it comes to the truth of who we are. Beloved.

Because it's been six weeks

I am blogging tonight because there are a lot of things I do not like and there are a lot of things I cannot control but I do like blogging and I can control when I blog so here I am.

I do not like that I have been some form of sick for the past month. I do not like that my school is boring. I do not like living in a city with traffic. I do not like being away from my friends, from my teachers, from my church, from my community that I built for myself over the past four years. I especially do not like not living with Jojo.

Sometimes all of these things that I do not like seem so big and heavy and hard that I feel crushed. One day not very long ago they seemed so big and heavy and hard that I was ready to quit my school and my job and my house and everything I had started building for myself here in Austin.

But I didn’t. Thanks to a few hours’ sleep and a paper written and lots and lots of Mama love, I didn’t. I dropped one class and got a fish, instead.

Things got better. I wrote myself a note, reminding me of why I'm in grad school. I got to know some of my roommates a little better. I made a friend at school and a friend at church. I visited my parents some more. I took time to read. I fed my fish.

But this weekend, when I was covered in hives from head to toe and Belmont Abbey Women’s Soccer suffered a bitter loss in the Conference Championship game and I was so, so, tired and I missed my NC friends so much it hurt and all I wanted to do was go to my parents’ house and my car wouldn’t start so I was stuck in Denton: away from my home, away from my parents’ home and away from the plan? It was not better. It was big and heavy and hard and crushing.

My car is fixed now. My hives have gone down. I enjoyed some quality time and retail therapy with my sister. I got some rest. I talked to some of my NC friends.

It was not all bad, and things are better now.

But I am not used to sometimes big and heavy and hard. I am not used to feeling so overwhelmed. I am not used to crying. These are now much more common occurrences than I would like to admit.

But as I drove home today after getting my car repaired I remembered one of the notecards right above my desk:

“I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears, surely I will heal you.” 2 Kings 20:5

Passenger reminded me that “sometimes you can’t change and you can’t choose / and sometimes it seems you gain less than you lose / now we’ve got holes in our hearts / yeah we’ve got holes in our lives / where we’ve got holes, we’ve got holes / but we carry on.”

And I chose to say “Jesus I am resting, resting / In the joy of what Thou art / I am finding out the greatness / Of Thy loving heart”

Because it is okay for things to feel big and heavy and hard. It is okay to have holes and be hurting. It is okay because we are pressed but not crushed and persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. Jesus has heard my prayers – my many prayers – and has seen my tears – my many, many tears – and he will heal my holes and my hurting and hold my heaviness.

I don’t know how long it will take. But it will happen. And that’s good enough for now.

  

A Few Things to Remember

I wrote this because I forgot why I was in grad school for a hot second, and I never wanted to forget again.

I believe these things I am about to say with all of my heart.

1. Humans love Story because Story is inherent in us. (We are made in the image of THE WORD by the greatest Storyteller of all time!).

2. Story leads to Learning/the Pursuit of Knowledge and Education.

3. The best way to change one's situation in life is through Knowledge and Education.

4. One's Education should never be limited or determined by race, gender, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, socio-economic status, language, family background or any other potential adversity.

5. People are the most important work. ALWAYS.

6. Children have very little control over their lives, especially over the potential adversities listed above.

7. Things done at the community level by people actually in the community CAN and DO make a difference.

So we have the Library: a thriving community center always open to everyone, sharing Story and Knowledge with people so they may better share their lives with one another. A place where children experience the most wonderful things in the world: Stories that matter, People who care, and Choice.


I'm not in grad school for me.

I'm doing this for them.

My Hard and Fast Rule About Literature

I recently came across a blog post warning parents against the dangers of current literature and the liberal, homosexual agenda of the ALA, heralding examples of [what the author considers] unhealthy books. Find it here.

I would like to briefly mention that the graphic novel held up as an example of unhealthy literature promoted by the American Library Association was a Caldecott Honor book, not the winner. I've read the winner for 2015; it was beautiful. Also, although the Caldecott medal is designated as an award for children 14 and under, most libraries are designed with an anime/manga/graphic novel section separate from the Children's section, and much closer to, or in conjunction with, the teen section, just for the record.

I have to say that, while I understand and appreciate this lady's concern for her children, I'm overall unimpressed with how she presents her argument. Her overuse of quotation marks to undermine the word experts left a bad taste in my mouth, especially since she only highlighted a handful of books she didn't like (one of which didn't even win!), without even acknowledging the good the ALA has chosen in the recent years. The belief that the ALA – and literature in general – has taken a turn for the worse in the past 50 years completely ignores authors such as Kate DiCamillo, Louis Sachar and Lois Lowry, all of whom have won the Newbery Medal for their excellent and beautiful works.

It's really, really, hard to make a hard and fast rule when it comes to many, many, things, but especially literature. Cutting out books written after 1950 may result in the loss of books not considered "wholesome," but is that worth the loss of authors such as Jon Klassen, Barbara Park, Chris Van Allsburg, Jon Scieszka or Daniel Handler (more commonly known as Lemony Snicket)? Not to mention that just because a book is old doesn't mean it's good. This is NOT to discount the classics, which I love, but just a reminder that just because someone wrote a book doesn't mean it's written well, has well-developed characters, an interesting plot or themes worth considering. In addition, many books written more than 50 years ago, which “promoted mainstream American values or at least didn’t undermine them,” oftentimes demonstrate the still-visible Apartheid of Children's Literature – that is, they promote a WASP America that doesn’t quite exist anymore. If literature is supposed to teach us about others, to let us experience things we might not (and probably won’t) have the chance to experience ourselves, to show us how to be a better person by exposing us to others’ stories, shouldn’t some of those people look different from us, think different things than us, act different than us?

The question the author poses, “how do we as parents prepare them to live in the world and be discerning for themselves?” is a worthy and valid question, but I doubt that swearing off the ALA and books from the last half-century is the answer. Rather, if we as parents, educators, trusted babysitters, etc., are doing our job, I would hope that our children – especially by the time they are old enough to read voraciously on their own – will have had enough exposure to the good, the true and the beautiful to be discerning. Given access to much, they will learn to choose some. Given only approved choices, they learn the opposite of discernment; they learn that everything at their fingertips is okay. Come adulthood, they are in for a nasty surprise.

- Tana

A Still Small Voice

Yes I am still here! Quietly, but still here.
Usually, I love writing. Not novels or articles, but I'll journal, write letters to friends, emails, and the rare, rare blog post (as the archives on this blog shows). But this summer I haven't written at all. Friends wrote me letters and notes, especially around graduation back in May -but I never got around to mailing a response. I wrote it on my To Do list, but never got around to doing it. Same with a blog post! -it made the list, but not my priority. Eventually I asked myself why I never wrote anything, and the surface level answer was "I'm not on an internship or doing anything fun -I have nothing to talk about." I've just been nannying the kids I usually nanny during the summer and reading books. A few weeks later I found another answer: "there's nothing happy in my life worth sharing" -which made me feel like an ungrateful wretch and unusually pessimistic. (I generally find myself to be a optimist) These answers drew me into self-reflection that was so good -slow, hard, grace-driven, but good.
I made a list of a few things I am grateful for and that are good in my life:

• I get to spend the summer with my family (aka living at home for free).
• I have a beautiful room in our home to make my own with my books and pictures.
• I get to see my fiance, Chris, often -no more school work and living closer together helps!
• My job involves wearing whatever comfy clothes I want and taking care of children
• I have free time to visit Chris, read books, knit, watch movies...
• I bought a car

 Then I realized this is also a list of what I am unsatisfied with in my current state of life:

• I don't live in an apartment preparing for my husband to move in.
• My belongings are in one bedroom instead of my own apartment with so many books in boxes.
• I don't get to see Chris as often as I would like -and it's far away. (5 hours)
• I don't have a real, full time job. If I did I would also have a wedding date, which I want dearly.
• I don't have a real job schedule and weeks go by without getting work or a steady income.
• I bought a car

It was shocking for me to find joys and sorrows so closely together in my life! Crazy!
And it took me most of the summer to figure out what to do about this -and the answer was nothing. I just need to be. To pray. To be faithful. To accept not only the present moment, but the present way things ARE. To recognize the good and the bad for what they are -and that it's ok to have good and bad together.
Also, courage. That was my word I chose at New Year's to define this year and it always comes up. Courage.
God has been faithful to me, and He has always been with me. Quietly.
I have needed quiet and healing to "be gentle with myself " as my friend Megan told me. I needed to stop beating myself up about not writing, about not having good things in my life to share -I was doing it subconsciously. But now I am ready. I have been encouraged so much by Tana's steady posting. Once I stopped comparing myself and my life to the false ideal of the blog world, to stereotypical summer events, to other people's imagined (by me) demands of me, I found a will to write again.
Reality hurts sometimes and is not always pretty for a blog, but I will write of truth. That's what an essay is, after all, as Tana reminded me recently.

Thumbs Up: I became an aunt this week and got to Facetime with my sister and niece today for the first time. If my own aunts have had any influence on my "aunt-ness" or "aunt-hood," I'm going to be a really great aunt. :) It's really really weird to think of my sister as a little momma, but it is good.

Claire Elizabeth

  I don't know when I'll get to meet Claire in real life, but I hope it will be for Christmas or Thanksgiving. I'm already buying her books. This week, from a secondhand bookstore, I got her a beautiful three volume set of The Lord of the Rings! She'll thank me someday. Even though her mom thinks I'm ridiculous. :)

Only 6 pounds and 14 ounces!

 

How can you not be ridiculous when she's this ridiculously stinking cute!?

Thumbs Down: I haven't had a single response to any of my job applications this entire summer. It's hard to not give up hope -but giving up hope seems like such an impossible option!
Also, school will be starting up back at the Abbey this month. It will be different to still be here and not have something to move on to.

God Sighting: I'm reading/praying this:

There's a little bit to read and meditate on for every day. It's a book following, elaborating, and describing the Marian consecration of St. Louis de Monfort, and it's the first spiritual read I've read all summer. It is just the right time to start this book, I feel, and it's a really nice structure for my prayer life right now. There is such comfort found in Mary's intercession, her joys, and her sorrows. I love dwelling on good, holy things!

Other Notes: This week I will be applying to the University of Maryland's school of information science for a master's in library science -a rediscovered childhood dream and passion. I am so excited and terrified! But it is good.

Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. -Philippians 4:8

Final Thoughts

I can’t believe the summer is already over. On the one hand, it seems like I just got here, but on the other, like I’ve been here forever. The strangeness and confusion I experienced during my first few days are long gone, but at the same time I can hardly believe it’s actually been 74 days. So I decided to look back and see what I’ve actually done in the past 2 ½ months.

-      

          I read. A lot. Specifically:

\

o   Mrs. Dalloway, Virginia Woolf

o   Goat Song, Brad Kessler

o   Gilead, Marilynne Robinson

o   To the Lighthouse, Virginia Woolf

o   The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

o   The Wild Man’s Journey, Richard Rohr and Joseph Martos

o   Home, Marilynne Robinson

o   The Hours, Michael Cunningham

o   Arcadia, Tom Stoppard

o   The Crucible, Arthur Miller

o   Seeking God, Esther de Waal

-          I got a house, roommates and [still finalizing details but] a job halfway across the country

-          I registered to vote

-          I learned the names of 31 goats

-          I memorized Compline, the night office

-          I planted and harvested squash (I do not take any credit at all for growing it)

-          I helped catalog and label over 1,000 books in the convent library

That was more than I expected, when I started thinking about it.

But, more importantly, I learned about patience, wisdom, and growing slowly in relationship with another. I learned (at least I really, really, tried) what it’s like to be, even if it’s just for a few minutes. I learned what it’s like not to rush headlong into a friendship. I learned what it’s like to give the gift of time. I learned what it’s like to get to know someone by living with her, not by trying to become best friends. And I learned that sometimes, when you do that, you end up becoming pretty darn good friends anyway.

And, I learned how much a goat can grow in 74 days.

I'm going to miss the Sisters, and the goats, and the view, and lots of things about this summer. But, looking back, I feel at peace. I'm ready to take the things I've learned and start the next adventure. I can say with gladness:

"Lord, you now have set your servant free

to go in peace as you have promised.

For these eyes of mine have seen the Savior,

whom you have prepared for all the world to see.

A light to enlighten the nations,

and the glory of your people Israel.

Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever. Amen."

The view from Sendak's summer studio/library

Sendak's summer property

Goodbye Kisses from Kuunika

the babies! they did this all on their own!

My Last Week

It’s the final countdown! I leave the convent this Saturday morning. Time has flown by!

Thumbs Up: We went to Maine! It was awesome! I seriously loved every minute. I have always wanted to go to Maine – I just had this grand picturesque idea of it since learning about New England in second grade geography – and now one of my life goals has been accomplished. That may seem rather insignificant as a life goal, but what can I say? I am a woman of simple pleasures. It was one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. It did help that we visited goat farms, which I think are pretty great, and that we took an afternoon to see the Pemaquid Point Lighthouse, which was basically the best. Also, the coast is rocky there, so you can walk out and climb about while the waves crash. Oh, and we had a real lobster bake!

Pemaquid Point: The most photographed lighthouse in Maine!

How to have a real lobster bake**: build a fire on the beach at low tide. Over the fire, place foil wrapped potatoes and onions. Cover with seaweed. On top of the seaweed, place corn on the cob (still in the husks). Cover with seaweed. On top of the seaweed, place alive lobsters (preferably fresh caught from the bay that day), with a few cartons of eggs in between rows. Cover with seaweed. Cover the seaweed with damp brown paper to hold in steam. Cover with more seaweed. Keep the fire burning until the lobsters are bright red and the eggs are hard boiled!

I found a crab at the beach!

Waiting for everything to steam!

For the record, I had never eaten lobster before Saturday, August 1st, 2015

This little guy tasted like the ocean. THE OCEAN. IN MY MOUTH. (cool and weird)

Our view during dinner

I not only took this thing apart, I did actually eat it!

After eating lobster: didn't die and didn't hate it. I'd call that a success.

Thumbs Down: This was my last full week! :’( I only have a few more days before flying to Texas. I feel like I am digging in my heels against time passing and that weight is very. heavy.

God-Sighting: Can it be everything? Because it should be. I was overwhelmed with beauty this week. Waves crashing on rocks. A rainbow so big you can see the horizon on both sides and everything in between. A Chicken Salad Special on vegetarian day because of Love. Sun shining in the top of a lighthouse. Peaches so fresh the juice runs down your wrists. Meeting your new roommates on FaceTime. Praying with those roommates over FaceTime. Green trees. Two hours of uninterrupted highway driving time in the mountains. Goat kisses. Good, real, long car conversations about what matters. Pure bliss, folks. Those sorts of things come from God.

Other Notes: Grace went home last weekend, so we’re back to two interns. Sarah and I have enjoyed our little adventures – farm exploring, gardening, attempts at blackberry picking…I’m sure we’ll enjoy whatever the next few days brings as well. :)

The animals in Maine love me too!

They had horses at the farm!

**These directions are based on observation of and conversation with indigenous Mainers, for whom the seacoast of Maine is their natural habitat, and shellfish their accustomed diet. For more detailed (read: real and accurate) directions, please contact a Maine native yourself. No responsibility is held on the part of the author of this blog post in case of injury or damage to body or ego in case of a failed lobster bake on the part of the reader.

Week Nine!

Thumbs Up: This week has been full of awesome adventures! We interns took a walk into Greenwich again and explored a little of the downtown area. Some friends took us out to a lovely dinner on Sunday night which was a treat in food and fellowship. We let goats come to tea. We took a day trip into Vermont, visiting the New Skete orthodox monastery and going to the top of Mt. Equinox. It’s really been wonderful and incredibly refreshing.

Family Style Italian!

Post-Dinner selfie with the Robersons!

The overlook to the Carthusian monastery near Mt. Equinox. The monks there live in total silence!

View from the top of Mt. Equinox!

Thumbs Down: Y’all, I only have one week left. One of the other interns leaves this weekend. Part of the reason we did so much fun stuff this past week (besides the fact that we wanted to) was that this was our last chance, really, to do them together. So that’s kind of sad.

God-Sighting: This past Friday it rained most of the day. It drizzled in the morning, then cleared up before really storming for awhile in the afternoon. It was kind of a slow, boring, grey day (not really what you picture for July). But, as we’re eating dinner (in silence, as usual), I heard a cough. I looked up and Sister is looking right at me, then points out the window. There was the longest rainbow I have ever seen in my life. Slowly other people noticed it too (it helped that I gasped loudly when I saw it!) and we all admired its beauty. It was really special to me for two reasons. First, the rainbow itself: it was absolutely amazing and an undeniable reminder that God’s mercies are new every morning and his promises are everlasting. Second, since it was pointed out to me, it felt like a gift; these women know me so well that they know what will make me happy and excited. It’s truly phenomenal how much these women care.

Other Notes: Things are looking up for my (fast approaching) move to Austin. My roommates and I have been approved to rent a house and are in the process of signing the lease right now! It is a little complicated since there are five of us and very few in the same state at the moment, so prayers for ease of transition regarding all of that paperwork is greatly appreciated!

Also, we are taking a road trip to Maine this weekend, for which I can’t wait! We are going to a goat farm and the coast so, really, what could be better? Please pray for safe travels, especially on Friday and Sunday when we will be driving.

"Lift up your hands in the holy place and bless the Lord! The Lord who made heaven and earth bless you out of Zion." Psalm 134:2-3

Week Eight

Thumbs Up: Baby goats again! They’re just the best! We tried to take them all on a walk the other day which was somewhat successful but entirely hilarious. Also, one of the sisters called me her “right-hand goat woman,” and if that’s not a compliment, I don’t know what is.

This would be me, being a right-hand goat woman :)

Thumbs Down: I’m feeling the weight of transition, namely in that I’m homeless. Not literally (at least not yet) – so don’t freak out. But this week, especially this weekend, I felt really homeless. I’m leaving the convent, the place that has been my home for two months, in 18 days. I’m going “home,” but really I’m going to my parent’s house which is in a different city from where I’m actually going to live. And fingers crossed that this week we’ll get approved for a rental house in Austin, so I can, you know, actually move there and go to school. But even when we do get that house, it won’t be my home – not at first. So it’s weird to not feel at home, and it’s sad sometimes.

God-Sighting: Look at this little goat. 

Our goal this week is to socialize her, because she is so shy and skittish that she has barely been held by humans. So on Monday, when I was feeling homeless, I decided I was going to catch this kid and hold her. It took time and patience, but I finally got her. She freaked out at first, and after a few minutes was just sitting there kind of begrudgingly. Then little Ebenezer came over, so I sang “Come Thou Fount” to them (you know the line, “here I raise my Ebenezer”). I swear to you that when I was singing, I felt that little goat relax in my arms. So I kept singing, and we sat together for over an hour and a half. Me and this little baby goat who has barely been held before. As I held her close, we both let loose of the tension in our bodies and just praised the Lord. It helped me remember what is important and who holds me close. And this little goat? Her name is Chisomo, which means Grace. God literally put grace in my lap. He knows our needs, y’all. He knows our needs and is sure to show us his goodness and mercy and grace.

I held Chisomo again today!

Other Notes: I was so blessed this week, as I am every week, by the healing service over at the retreat center across the valley. It is a wonderful time of prayer, worship and fellowship.

We (the interns) walked into town on Sunday to go an adventure and get ice cream! It was almost 3 miles each way but not too hot – although the native Northerners would disagree (it was a whole 82 degrees!)!

Also, story time: (skip if you like; it has nothing to do with this week, or my internship in general) check out my timehop from today. 

I had completely forgotten about this, but four years ago I was lifeguarding all summer and preparing to start my freshman year at The Abbey (how time flies!). I was feeling excited but nervous and happy but terrified -- not totally unlike how I feel about starting a new school and moving to a new place now. Anyway, at work one evening I asked a little girl who was having her birthday party at the park if she was homeschooled. She was, and we had a short conversation but I thought nothing of it. We closed shortly thereafter and somehow her family was still in the parking lot when I walked out – parked right next to me. The parents asked, “How did you know?” and I couldn’t explain it; I just knew. I told them I was homeschooled so I had a knack for picking fellow homeschoolers out in a crowd. So we talked for a few minutes and these parents were so amazing and encouraging to me, affirming in my actions and in my character and they barely knew me! And the last thing the dad said was “It was so wonderful to meet you, and I know the Lord is going to bless you at your school and all that you do.” we had no idea how true that would be. In the past four years I have been beyond blessed by my family, my friends, my church, my teachers, my school. I’m not sure how I could doubt that things would change now…

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine” Isaiah 43:1