How v. Who

At the beginning of this semester I joined an graduate intramural soccer team.

I didn't realize how much I was going to miss playing until it had been nearly 9 months and I still hadn't laced up my cleats. So even though I hadn't run in 10 weeks and didn't know anyone on the team and had been telling everyone for months I was old and retired on to better things now, I pitched in my $10 and went to my first practice. We played and I had great fun but man, was. I. tired. Wore out. And my passes were, well, not so great is probably a generous way to put it. But, when I showed up to our game a few days later, I had the following conversation, which has been on my mind ever since.

Teammate: "Oh, good! You're here! We were worried you might only be able to make it for the second half!"

Me: "Please. I am old and fat and retired. We'll be lucky if I can play an entire half anyway."

Teammate: "Ohmygosh. I was just telling them [other teammates standing near us] you were going to say that. But it's so not true. You might feel that way, but you're really good."

I mumbled some sort of deflection and thanks that was probably considered humility but really resonated with doubt.

I simply didn't believe her. Or any one of my other teammates that attested to my skill (which, for the record, was basically every single one of them). I wouldn't. I basically had this stamp on my brain saying not fit, not young, not playing and no matter what anyone said I didn't even try to erase it.

What I didn't realize is that I basically had this stamp on my brain saying not enough and I wasn't trying to erase it. I had this not enough stamping everything I did, everything I thought, everything I felt. Every. single. thing. I never felt enough.

Then again, it's not really about feeling, is it? If I did everything based on how I felt, I wouldn't go to work nearly as much or invest nearly as much time in the people I love. I probably wouldn't be in grad school anymore. But.

Listen to me: how you feel is not who you are.

I'll say it one more time. Listen closely. How you feel is not who you are.

Who you are is absolutely never determined by how you feel. The reality of your worthiness and dignity is 100% never dependent on whether or not you feel worthy or dignified.

Madame de Stael once closed a letter with the following:
"Beyond all doubt, if you are not as happy as it is possible to be, you are more beloved than anyone who has ever lived."

Because we will always have doubt. We may not always feel happy. We will always have a feeling of not enough stamping our thoughts and actions. The challenge is to think differently. The challenge is to change the how to a who. (But here's a clue -- just rearrange the letters!)

Because the truth is that the not enough stamp can be erased. The stamp of Christ removes any mark of not enough and replaces it with

Beloved.
Beautiful.
Worthy.
Dignified.
Significant.
Talented.
Smart.
Blessing.
Cherished.
Mine.

And so. many. more.

Sometimes we feel the not enough stamp comes creeping back and putting its sticky ink all over again.

So I'll change what my teammate said a little and say this instead: you may feel that way, but you are Beloved by God.

Because how we feel matters absolutely 0% when it comes to the truth of who we are. Beloved.

Because it's been six weeks

I am blogging tonight because there are a lot of things I do not like and there are a lot of things I cannot control but I do like blogging and I can control when I blog so here I am.

I do not like that I have been some form of sick for the past month. I do not like that my school is boring. I do not like living in a city with traffic. I do not like being away from my friends, from my teachers, from my church, from my community that I built for myself over the past four years. I especially do not like not living with Jojo.

Sometimes all of these things that I do not like seem so big and heavy and hard that I feel crushed. One day not very long ago they seemed so big and heavy and hard that I was ready to quit my school and my job and my house and everything I had started building for myself here in Austin.

But I didn’t. Thanks to a few hours’ sleep and a paper written and lots and lots of Mama love, I didn’t. I dropped one class and got a fish, instead.

Things got better. I wrote myself a note, reminding me of why I'm in grad school. I got to know some of my roommates a little better. I made a friend at school and a friend at church. I visited my parents some more. I took time to read. I fed my fish.

But this weekend, when I was covered in hives from head to toe and Belmont Abbey Women’s Soccer suffered a bitter loss in the Conference Championship game and I was so, so, tired and I missed my NC friends so much it hurt and all I wanted to do was go to my parents’ house and my car wouldn’t start so I was stuck in Denton: away from my home, away from my parents’ home and away from the plan? It was not better. It was big and heavy and hard and crushing.

My car is fixed now. My hives have gone down. I enjoyed some quality time and retail therapy with my sister. I got some rest. I talked to some of my NC friends.

It was not all bad, and things are better now.

But I am not used to sometimes big and heavy and hard. I am not used to feeling so overwhelmed. I am not used to crying. These are now much more common occurrences than I would like to admit.

But as I drove home today after getting my car repaired I remembered one of the notecards right above my desk:

“I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears, surely I will heal you.” 2 Kings 20:5

Passenger reminded me that “sometimes you can’t change and you can’t choose / and sometimes it seems you gain less than you lose / now we’ve got holes in our hearts / yeah we’ve got holes in our lives / where we’ve got holes, we’ve got holes / but we carry on.”

And I chose to say “Jesus I am resting, resting / In the joy of what Thou art / I am finding out the greatness / Of Thy loving heart”

Because it is okay for things to feel big and heavy and hard. It is okay to have holes and be hurting. It is okay because we are pressed but not crushed and persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. Jesus has heard my prayers – my many prayers – and has seen my tears – my many, many tears – and he will heal my holes and my hurting and hold my heaviness.

I don’t know how long it will take. But it will happen. And that’s good enough for now.

  

A Few Things to Remember

I wrote this because I forgot why I was in grad school for a hot second, and I never wanted to forget again.

I believe these things I am about to say with all of my heart.

1. Humans love Story because Story is inherent in us. (We are made in the image of THE WORD by the greatest Storyteller of all time!).

2. Story leads to Learning/the Pursuit of Knowledge and Education.

3. The best way to change one's situation in life is through Knowledge and Education.

4. One's Education should never be limited or determined by race, gender, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, socio-economic status, language, family background or any other potential adversity.

5. People are the most important work. ALWAYS.

6. Children have very little control over their lives, especially over the potential adversities listed above.

7. Things done at the community level by people actually in the community CAN and DO make a difference.

So we have the Library: a thriving community center always open to everyone, sharing Story and Knowledge with people so they may better share their lives with one another. A place where children experience the most wonderful things in the world: Stories that matter, People who care, and Choice.


I'm not in grad school for me.

I'm doing this for them.