"I
said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope
would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love
would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the
faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without
thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the
darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing."
-T.S. Eliot, The Four Quartets, "East Coker"
I read a
lot of poetry in my literature class this Fall Semester. I never really read
much of it before, but now I've found a new, lyrical method of deep expression.
The good news: it is beautiful.
The bad news: my reading list just
expanded by an exponent of five million.
T.S. Eliot especially fascinates me.
My Spiritual Theology class finished the semester studying his Four Quartets,
and this passage sums up much of my Fall Semester of Sophomore Year.
Several things come to mind when I think of what I learned this
semester.
Emptiness of Self: I had many hopes for this semester. They were all very
vague and grand hopes whirling around my boyfriend, my friends, and the
now-familiar ways of college. After all, I was a sophomore now! However, the
beginning of the semester made it clear that this semester would be well beyond
and very different from what I had hoped. Many of my desires had to be let go
of, and God showed this to me by several simultaneous events that left me quite
in the dark. Coming back to school as a sophomore is an interesting experience
in itself. You feel like you are familiar with the ways of the world (or at
least the campus) and know what to expect, but so many things are different.
New, hard and demanding classes, new freshmen, different friends, friends
graduated or transferred. Besides all that, I had to break up with my boyfriend
and I was on crutches with a fourth degree sprained foot. Many things had changed,
and so I waited, alert to see where God would point me next.
Humility: In the midst of all that waiting, I felt so helpless and
in the dark. I’d never been so physically restrained before and God sure used
the experience to His advantage. He pointed me towards humility. I was even
more awkward than normal with my crutches (Tana fondly called them my ‘swag
sticks’). Tripping up and down stairs and all around campus was exhausting and
painful. I was forced to ask for help in many, many things. At first I couldn't
even make my own bed. Tana did it for me, and she took the top bunk bed, too.
There were times when I was overwhelmed at the goodness of my friends, helping
me in countless ways, carrying my books, carrying me, carrying my cafeteria
tray. God blessed me with such dear and caring friends that even in the dark
times I could feel God’s presence through their love.
Gratitude: How could I ever repay such loving deeds? But that is what
friends are for: to be a light of God’s love to each other. And this applies to
all the time, every day! Sometimes it is only realized when it is direly needed
in acts of service. I remain extremely grateful for my friends, and also that
God put them in my life. When I felt alone, even from God, He still got through
to me in the love of my friends.
Friendships Change: Fondness of friends is all very grand and dear, but
sometimes friendships change. With so many changes in my life already, my
friendships were the last thing I wanted to undergo change! But God emptied me
of that selfish desire, too. I had to keep in mind the goodness of my friend’s
heart and what was best for them. In the end, it is best for me, too. I went
through a bit of an Anne Shirley phase…. See, my friends and I were having the
grandest times, then one of them wanted to change it and be more than friends.
I saw it coming and had good friends advise me to its coming, but I had things
under control (so I thought). Nothing would change. Just like Anne I would
demand that both my friends and I acted the same. But, as much as I love dear
Anne, one cannot ignore what is obvious, especially if it is the truth. I had
to change. Many things had to change. It does mean my friends and I won’t have
fun anymore, but certain things must be different. It was hard and I hated it.
It was worse when it frustrated my other friends too, but at the same time, at
least we could endure together. Friendships play a great part in creating you
into who you are meant to be –mostly especially by challenging you to change. I
realize that now, even though I don’t like it.
Peace: “There is yet faith,” Eliot writes, and, basically, that
was all I had left. Again I find gratitude to God that I had the foundation of
prayer and the assets of my faith to secure me to something in this topsy turvy
semester. Even when all these crazy things were happening, I could still find
within my soul a peace. It was the peace of Christ, His guiding hand on my
life. Even though times it was very faint, it remained a burning Light. I
joined a prayer group with the FOCUS missionaries on campus. The missionaries
have been a great and joyful source of encouragement! They also help me to
continue to look outside myself to pray and reach out to others, continually
seek Christ in the world as much as the Sacraments.
 |
| 3 a.m. Finals Week |
After all these busy things have
taken their course, this Christmas break I found a stillness and a sense of
preparation. I have grown and learned and gained a better understanding of
myself. Now, I look onward.
I survived this semester by the
grace of God. I'm glad it's over. I dare say I'm glad it all happened. This
Fall Semester has definitely molded me more fully into the woman God created me
to be with a greater capacity to face the future. And for that, I rejoice even
in stillness. I know there will eventually be dancing!
