A Still Small Voice

Yes I am still here! Quietly, but still here.
Usually, I love writing. Not novels or articles, but I'll journal, write letters to friends, emails, and the rare, rare blog post (as the archives on this blog shows). But this summer I haven't written at all. Friends wrote me letters and notes, especially around graduation back in May -but I never got around to mailing a response. I wrote it on my To Do list, but never got around to doing it. Same with a blog post! -it made the list, but not my priority. Eventually I asked myself why I never wrote anything, and the surface level answer was "I'm not on an internship or doing anything fun -I have nothing to talk about." I've just been nannying the kids I usually nanny during the summer and reading books. A few weeks later I found another answer: "there's nothing happy in my life worth sharing" -which made me feel like an ungrateful wretch and unusually pessimistic. (I generally find myself to be a optimist) These answers drew me into self-reflection that was so good -slow, hard, grace-driven, but good.
I made a list of a few things I am grateful for and that are good in my life:

• I get to spend the summer with my family (aka living at home for free).
• I have a beautiful room in our home to make my own with my books and pictures.
• I get to see my fiance, Chris, often -no more school work and living closer together helps!
• My job involves wearing whatever comfy clothes I want and taking care of children
• I have free time to visit Chris, read books, knit, watch movies...
• I bought a car

 Then I realized this is also a list of what I am unsatisfied with in my current state of life:

• I don't live in an apartment preparing for my husband to move in.
• My belongings are in one bedroom instead of my own apartment with so many books in boxes.
• I don't get to see Chris as often as I would like -and it's far away. (5 hours)
• I don't have a real, full time job. If I did I would also have a wedding date, which I want dearly.
• I don't have a real job schedule and weeks go by without getting work or a steady income.
• I bought a car

It was shocking for me to find joys and sorrows so closely together in my life! Crazy!
And it took me most of the summer to figure out what to do about this -and the answer was nothing. I just need to be. To pray. To be faithful. To accept not only the present moment, but the present way things ARE. To recognize the good and the bad for what they are -and that it's ok to have good and bad together.
Also, courage. That was my word I chose at New Year's to define this year and it always comes up. Courage.
God has been faithful to me, and He has always been with me. Quietly.
I have needed quiet and healing to "be gentle with myself " as my friend Megan told me. I needed to stop beating myself up about not writing, about not having good things in my life to share -I was doing it subconsciously. But now I am ready. I have been encouraged so much by Tana's steady posting. Once I stopped comparing myself and my life to the false ideal of the blog world, to stereotypical summer events, to other people's imagined (by me) demands of me, I found a will to write again.
Reality hurts sometimes and is not always pretty for a blog, but I will write of truth. That's what an essay is, after all, as Tana reminded me recently.

Thumbs Up: I became an aunt this week and got to Facetime with my sister and niece today for the first time. If my own aunts have had any influence on my "aunt-ness" or "aunt-hood," I'm going to be a really great aunt. :) It's really really weird to think of my sister as a little momma, but it is good.

Claire Elizabeth

  I don't know when I'll get to meet Claire in real life, but I hope it will be for Christmas or Thanksgiving. I'm already buying her books. This week, from a secondhand bookstore, I got her a beautiful three volume set of The Lord of the Rings! She'll thank me someday. Even though her mom thinks I'm ridiculous. :)

Only 6 pounds and 14 ounces!

 

How can you not be ridiculous when she's this ridiculously stinking cute!?

Thumbs Down: I haven't had a single response to any of my job applications this entire summer. It's hard to not give up hope -but giving up hope seems like such an impossible option!
Also, school will be starting up back at the Abbey this month. It will be different to still be here and not have something to move on to.

God Sighting: I'm reading/praying this:

There's a little bit to read and meditate on for every day. It's a book following, elaborating, and describing the Marian consecration of St. Louis de Monfort, and it's the first spiritual read I've read all summer. It is just the right time to start this book, I feel, and it's a really nice structure for my prayer life right now. There is such comfort found in Mary's intercession, her joys, and her sorrows. I love dwelling on good, holy things!

Other Notes: This week I will be applying to the University of Maryland's school of information science for a master's in library science -a rediscovered childhood dream and passion. I am so excited and terrified! But it is good.

Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. -Philippians 4:8

Final Thoughts

I can’t believe the summer is already over. On the one hand, it seems like I just got here, but on the other, like I’ve been here forever. The strangeness and confusion I experienced during my first few days are long gone, but at the same time I can hardly believe it’s actually been 74 days. So I decided to look back and see what I’ve actually done in the past 2 ½ months.

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          I read. A lot. Specifically:

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o   Mrs. Dalloway, Virginia Woolf

o   Goat Song, Brad Kessler

o   Gilead, Marilynne Robinson

o   To the Lighthouse, Virginia Woolf

o   The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

o   The Wild Man’s Journey, Richard Rohr and Joseph Martos

o   Home, Marilynne Robinson

o   The Hours, Michael Cunningham

o   Arcadia, Tom Stoppard

o   The Crucible, Arthur Miller

o   Seeking God, Esther de Waal

-          I got a house, roommates and [still finalizing details but] a job halfway across the country

-          I registered to vote

-          I learned the names of 31 goats

-          I memorized Compline, the night office

-          I planted and harvested squash (I do not take any credit at all for growing it)

-          I helped catalog and label over 1,000 books in the convent library

That was more than I expected, when I started thinking about it.

But, more importantly, I learned about patience, wisdom, and growing slowly in relationship with another. I learned (at least I really, really, tried) what it’s like to be, even if it’s just for a few minutes. I learned what it’s like not to rush headlong into a friendship. I learned what it’s like to give the gift of time. I learned what it’s like to get to know someone by living with her, not by trying to become best friends. And I learned that sometimes, when you do that, you end up becoming pretty darn good friends anyway.

And, I learned how much a goat can grow in 74 days.

I'm going to miss the Sisters, and the goats, and the view, and lots of things about this summer. But, looking back, I feel at peace. I'm ready to take the things I've learned and start the next adventure. I can say with gladness:

"Lord, you now have set your servant free

to go in peace as you have promised.

For these eyes of mine have seen the Savior,

whom you have prepared for all the world to see.

A light to enlighten the nations,

and the glory of your people Israel.

Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever. Amen."

The view from Sendak's summer studio/library

Sendak's summer property

Goodbye Kisses from Kuunika

the babies! they did this all on their own!

My Last Week

It’s the final countdown! I leave the convent this Saturday morning. Time has flown by!

Thumbs Up: We went to Maine! It was awesome! I seriously loved every minute. I have always wanted to go to Maine – I just had this grand picturesque idea of it since learning about New England in second grade geography – and now one of my life goals has been accomplished. That may seem rather insignificant as a life goal, but what can I say? I am a woman of simple pleasures. It was one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. It did help that we visited goat farms, which I think are pretty great, and that we took an afternoon to see the Pemaquid Point Lighthouse, which was basically the best. Also, the coast is rocky there, so you can walk out and climb about while the waves crash. Oh, and we had a real lobster bake!

Pemaquid Point: The most photographed lighthouse in Maine!

How to have a real lobster bake**: build a fire on the beach at low tide. Over the fire, place foil wrapped potatoes and onions. Cover with seaweed. On top of the seaweed, place corn on the cob (still in the husks). Cover with seaweed. On top of the seaweed, place alive lobsters (preferably fresh caught from the bay that day), with a few cartons of eggs in between rows. Cover with seaweed. Cover the seaweed with damp brown paper to hold in steam. Cover with more seaweed. Keep the fire burning until the lobsters are bright red and the eggs are hard boiled!

I found a crab at the beach!

Waiting for everything to steam!

For the record, I had never eaten lobster before Saturday, August 1st, 2015

This little guy tasted like the ocean. THE OCEAN. IN MY MOUTH. (cool and weird)

Our view during dinner

I not only took this thing apart, I did actually eat it!

After eating lobster: didn't die and didn't hate it. I'd call that a success.

Thumbs Down: This was my last full week! :’( I only have a few more days before flying to Texas. I feel like I am digging in my heels against time passing and that weight is very. heavy.

God-Sighting: Can it be everything? Because it should be. I was overwhelmed with beauty this week. Waves crashing on rocks. A rainbow so big you can see the horizon on both sides and everything in between. A Chicken Salad Special on vegetarian day because of Love. Sun shining in the top of a lighthouse. Peaches so fresh the juice runs down your wrists. Meeting your new roommates on FaceTime. Praying with those roommates over FaceTime. Green trees. Two hours of uninterrupted highway driving time in the mountains. Goat kisses. Good, real, long car conversations about what matters. Pure bliss, folks. Those sorts of things come from God.

Other Notes: Grace went home last weekend, so we’re back to two interns. Sarah and I have enjoyed our little adventures – farm exploring, gardening, attempts at blackberry picking…I’m sure we’ll enjoy whatever the next few days brings as well. :)

The animals in Maine love me too!

They had horses at the farm!

**These directions are based on observation of and conversation with indigenous Mainers, for whom the seacoast of Maine is their natural habitat, and shellfish their accustomed diet. For more detailed (read: real and accurate) directions, please contact a Maine native yourself. No responsibility is held on the part of the author of this blog post in case of injury or damage to body or ego in case of a failed lobster bake on the part of the reader.