From Jojo

"I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope 

For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love 

For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith 

But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting. 

Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: 

So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing."

                       -T.S. Eliot, The Four Quartets, "East Coker"

     I read a lot of poetry in my literature class this Fall Semester. I never really read much of it before, but now I've found a new, lyrical method of deep expression.

The good news: it is beautiful.

The bad news: my reading list just expanded by an exponent of five million.

T.S. Eliot especially fascinates me. My Spiritual Theology class finished the semester studying his Four Quartets, and this passage sums up much of my Fall Semester of Sophomore Year.

     Several things come to mind when I think of what I learned this semester.

Emptiness of Self: I had many hopes for this semester. They were all very vague and grand hopes whirling around my boyfriend, my friends, and the now-familiar ways of college. After all, I was a sophomore now! However, the beginning of the semester made it clear that this semester would be well beyond and very different from what I had hoped. Many of my desires had to be let go of, and God showed this to me by several simultaneous events that left me quite in the dark. Coming back to school as a sophomore is an interesting experience in itself. You feel like you are familiar with the ways of the world (or at least the campus) and know what to expect, but so many things are different. New, hard and demanding classes, new freshmen, different friends, friends graduated or transferred. Besides all that, I had to break up with my boyfriend and I was on crutches with a fourth degree sprained foot. Many things had changed, and so I waited, alert to see where God would point me next.

Humility: In the midst of all that waiting, I felt so helpless and in the dark. I’d never been so physically restrained before and God sure used the experience to His advantage. He pointed me towards humility. I was even more awkward than normal with my crutches (Tana fondly called them my ‘swag sticks’). Tripping up and down stairs and all around campus was exhausting and painful. I was forced to ask for help in many, many things. At first I couldn't even make my own bed. Tana did it for me, and she took the top bunk bed, too. There were times when I was overwhelmed at the goodness of my friends, helping me in countless ways, carrying my books, carrying me, carrying my cafeteria tray. God blessed me with such dear and caring friends that even in the dark times I could feel God’s presence through their love.

Gratitude: How could I ever repay such loving deeds? But that is what friends are for: to be a light of God’s love to each other. And this applies to all the time, every day! Sometimes it is only realized when it is direly needed in acts of service. I remain extremely grateful for my friends, and also that God put them in my life. When I felt alone, even from God, He still got through to me in the love of my friends.

Friendships Change: Fondness of friends is all very grand and dear, but sometimes friendships change. With so many changes in my life already, my friendships were the last thing I wanted to undergo change! But God emptied me of that selfish desire, too. I had to keep in mind the goodness of my friend’s heart and what was best for them. In the end, it is best for me, too. I went through a bit of an Anne Shirley phase…. See, my friends and I were having the grandest times, then one of them wanted to change it and be more than friends. I saw it coming and had good friends advise me to its coming, but I had things under control (so I thought). Nothing would change. Just like Anne I would demand that both my friends and I acted the same. But, as much as I love dear Anne, one cannot ignore what is obvious, especially if it is the truth. I had to change. Many things had to change. It does mean my friends and I won’t have fun anymore, but certain things must be different. It was hard and I hated it. It was worse when it frustrated my other friends too, but at the same time, at least we could endure together. Friendships play a great part in creating you into who you are meant to be –mostly especially by challenging you to change. I realize that now, even though I don’t like it.

Peace: “There is yet faith,” Eliot writes, and, basically, that was all I had left. Again I find gratitude to God that I had the foundation of prayer and the assets of my faith to secure me to something in this topsy turvy semester. Even when all these crazy things were happening, I could still find within my soul a peace. It was the peace of Christ, His guiding hand on my life. Even though times it was very faint, it remained a burning Light. I joined a prayer group with the FOCUS missionaries on campus. The missionaries have been a great and joyful source of encouragement! They also help me to continue to look outside myself to pray and reach out to others, continually seek Christ in the world as much as the Sacraments. 

3 a.m. Finals Week

After all these busy things have taken their course, this Christmas break I found a stillness and a sense of preparation. I have grown and learned and gained a better understanding of myself. Now, I look onward.

I survived this semester by the grace of God. I'm glad it's over. I dare say I'm glad it all happened. This Fall Semester has definitely molded me more fully into the woman God created me to be with a greater capacity to face the future. And for that, I rejoice even in stillness. I know there will eventually be dancing!